Loss of 2.5 stone in two years. (Success not completely guaranteed.)
1. Start by drinking way too much every day for roughly 20 years. Chuck in plenty of pizzas to soak up the alcohol, and lots of bacon butties to help with the hangovers.
2. Get really, really drunk on a night out and start smoking. This decreases the appetite and increases the metabolic rate. I've tried this numerous times and it works brilliantly.
3. Of course you now smoke as well as drink and it is all getting a bit pricey. Pick a day for giving up smoking (I always go for New Year). Do this several times over the years - you will need the practice of giving up other things later in the diet.
4. Do not fall for the messages your body's sending you about needing more food now you don't smoke any more. It is possible to get through this on rabbit food sandwiches from Sainsbury's. Continue with the pizzas but, and this is most important, leave the crusts. Take up some exercise. I swam three times a week, but whatever works for you.
5. Ensure that you have enormous amounts of nervous energy. Shake if you can. It all uses up calories for those times when life is all too much to get to the pool. Be really disorganised - power walking everywhere in a highly anxious state on the last minute is great cardio vascular exercise.
6. Give up drinking. Never at any point think you can just have one drink. You've tried this with cigarettes - it doesn't work. Get into a training regime at the same time as a very competitive woman who is 10 years younger than you. Eat pizza.
Other miracle diet plans are available.
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